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QUICKLINKS: baby years | early years | middle years | tween/teen years
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The Baby Years
QUESTION: What is “colic crying” and how do we best calm a fussy baby? ANSWER: Your baby is born with a unique cry to which you become highly attuned. This attachment is essential for meeting their needs, but learning to handle crying can be very stressful. My hope is to reassure you that crying is a healthy and normal infant behavior. “Developmental crying” is the term for normal fussiness during the first 6 months of life about which the acronym “PURPLE” was created: ”P” (peak): Babies cry more each week until the second month, then less in months 3-6. “U” (unexpected): Crying can come and go without explanation. “R” (resists soothing): Babies may not stop crying no matter what is tried. “P” ( pain-like face): Babies may appear in pain, even if they are not. “L” (long lasting): Babies normally cry up to three hours a day, but can cry more. “E” (evening): Babies often cry more in the late afternoon and evening. “Colic crying” is an intense form of infant fussiness defined as crying at least three hours per day on at least three days per week. While typically easing by the time a child is 3 months old, colic can last the first year. You should ensure there is no physical source for your baby’s discomfort – feeding an appropriate amount and changing diapers routinely, observing for vomiting or changes in your baby’s poops, looking for skin rashes or hair tourniquets, and examining for abnormal movements or signs of abuse. You should tell you pediatric provider about your concerns so they can thoroughly examine and provide their reassurance. Many pediatric providers encourage soothing using the “5 S’s” described by Harvey Karp, MD: Swaddling in a wrap that constrains the arms and legs Side or stomach holding (but not for sleeping) Shushing sounds of the voice, fan or sound machine Swinging gently while carrying Sucking on a pacifier, finger or hand Your baby may calm slowly, so give each “S” several minutes to have an effect. Partners should be encouraged to work through these techniques so they feel confident consoling when they are needed most. It is not possible to spoil an infant under 1 year of age. Babies who are carried more are observed to cry less. It is also important to note that babies respond to your emotions, so the above techniques are most effective when you are calm. It is incredibly important for parents of infants to take care of themselves and utilize the support offered by family, friends and medical / mental health resources. Although you can care best for your baby, getting some time away can be crucial, especially if crying goes on for months. Music, meditation, exercise or other relaxing activities outside the home will reduce your stress and enable you to be a healthier, more capable parent. Please note there are no over-the-counter remedies or physical manipulation techniques that have been clinically proven to be safe and effective for the treatment of colic. RESOURCES: For more info on the “Period of PURPLE Crying”: purplecrying.info For more info on “Colic crying”: healthychildren.org/english/ages-stages/baby/crying-colic/pages/colic.aspx For more info on soothing a fussy baby in general: healthychildren.org/english/ages-stages/baby/crying-colic/pages/calming-a-fussy-baby.aspx Adrian Furman, MD, FAAP, is a board-certified pediatrician at LaTouche Pediatrics. Visit latouchepediatrics.com.
QUESTION: We need to buy a lot of baby gear and equipment (car seats, strollers, crib, etc.) for our new baby. But does it all need to be brand new? What has to be purchased new and what is safe to purchase used? ANSWER: In reality, a newborn’s equipment needs are fairly minimal. A car seat for safe travel and a crib for safe sleep are must-haves. Strollers, bassinets, swings, high chairs, baby wearing wraps, changing tables and other items are optional. When choosing a car seat, be sure it is designed to be used rear-facing, and can be installed in the back seat of your vehicle. Second-hand car seats may be okay to use. There are a few important considerations: • Is the source of the car seat known to you? People you know and trust can provide an accurate history of the seat, including if they were the original owner and if the seat has been involved in a crash. • Has the seat been involved in a crash? If so, it is best to avoid using it. • Is the seat expired? Car seats are usable for six years from manufacture date or until the specific “do not use after” or “expires on” date printed on the seat labels. • Does the seat have all of its original parts intact and undamaged? The instruction booklet will include a listing of parts and instructions for correct assembly. Many manufacturers have printable versions of instruction booklets on their websites. • Is the seat recalled? Car seats can be recalled for many reasons, some of which may affect the crashworthiness of the seat. Cribs, either new or used, should comply with current safety specifications: • Bars should be spaced no more than 2 3/8 inches apart. • The mattress should be firm and not sag under your baby’s weight. It should fit snugly with no space between it and the crib walls. • The top of the crib rail should be at least 26 inches from the top of the mattress. Lower the mattress as your child gets taller. • The headboards and footboards should be solid with no decorative cutouts. Remove corner posts that could cause injury or snag clothing. • Do not use cribs with drop rails. • The crib should not have lead-based paint on its finish. It’s easy to check for recalls on any product you may be considering for your baby. A list of product recalls is located at safekids.org/product-recalls. Sara Penisten Turcic, RN, BSNS, is the Safe Kids Alaska State Coalition Coordinator and a Child Passenger Safety Technician Instructor. She has raised three children in Alaska and is thrilled to be in her 27th year of employment at Providence Alaska Medical Center. Visit carseatsak.org.
QUESTION: Our baby is babbling non-stop. It’s like she has her own language and creating her own social interactions. What are the best ways for parents to interact during these adorable babble fests, and should we encourage this babbling or what? ANSWER: Parents can’t hear this enough. We really are our child’s first and most important teacher. One of the first ways we teach our children is to talk with them from their very earliest days. Talking with babies has been shown to have an amazing impact on the growth of their brains and development of language, key to their future success in school and in life. And, unlike products that are advertised to parents as critical to making their babies smart, talking is free! At the beginning, we are responsible for both sides of the conversation, which can seem a bit awkward, but soon that little baby starts to babble or “talk” – and we’re off! Here are some tips for talking with your babbling baby: • Catch her attention and show her you are paying attention to what she is saying. • Respond to him as though you really are having a conversation. You might feel a little silly, but you are absolutely doing the right thing. • When your baby looks away from you, she may be tired, so wait a while until she seems ready to re-engage with you. An easy way to remember what to do is called “words and turns.” “Words” refers to the quantity of words a child is exposed to, and “turns” means the interactions between adult and baby that can also be described as “serve-and-return” activities – baby begins to babble, adult talks back, baby vocalizes again. Talking with your baby has recently been shown to have even more lasting effects than people thought. LENA researchers recently released a paper, “Language Experience in the Second Year of Life and Language Outcomes in Late Childhood” that confirms what many of us know innately. (See: lena.org/longitudinal-study.) And that is that back-and-forth talking with babies and toddlers helps build their vocabulary, comprehension, and other language skills, and those skills stick. The paper describes the longest longitudinal study on the relationship between back-and-forth talk and later positive outcomes. Researchers found that “a child’s early language experiences may predict developmental outcomes years later.” In addition, taking conversational turns with a child 18-24 months old was highly correlated with verbal abilities and IQ later on, when they were 9-14 years old. So, keep talking with your babbling baby – you’re helping prepare her for success in school, and in life! Abbe Hensley is the Executive Director of Best Beginnings, a public-private partnership that mobilizes people and resources to ensure all Alaska children begin school ready to succeed. Visit bestbeginningsalaska.org.
QUESTION: I know that ‘tummy time’ is important for my baby (builds muscles, etc.), but try telling my baby that! He’s just not into it. In fact, he fusses and cries. How can I help make tummy time more fun for baby – and for me? Any tips? ANSWER: Tummy time is better together! Socially engage your baby to prepare for a tummy time workout. Get them cooing and having fun. Roll them into tummy time (instead of laying them straight on their tummy) and get on your tummy too! Tummy time is a great position for parents and baby. Play and talk with your baby while they are lying on their tummies. A baby will have a strong response to its parent’s voice of encouragement. Downward strokes on their back (from head to bottom) can be helpful for calming and tolerating tummy time. When babies get fussy, gently roll them out of tummy time and pick them up for cuddling. Talk to them. With little ones, I go for quality over quantity. They may only tolerate one minute the first time, but as they start to predict that you will be there for them and ready to interact, they will improve in tolerance. Try to do three rolls into tummy time for one “session” and return to the activity later in the day. You can also do tummy time against your chest; if you are reclined or on the floor, then baby can be soothed by seeing, hearing and smelling you. Start early! The younger you start a tummy time routine, the less your baby will be upset by this challenging workout. Being on their tummy is a great position for them to develop motor skills, strength and even oral motor for those having a hard time with breast-feeding or taking bottles. Tiffany Johnston, MS OTR/L, is owner of and pediatric occupational therapist at Playful Learning Pediatric Therapy, LLC. Visit playfullearningtherapy.com.
QUESTION: What are some tips for getting my baby on a regular sleep schedule? ANSWER: Strategies for getting your baby on a regular sleep schedule will vary and adjust as she grows. First, consider your baby’s current development, both physical and emotional. Having an understanding of what is age appropriate developmentally will help you create realistic sleep expectations and goals. Babies’ sleep needs change over time, so being familiar with how much sleep your baby needs for nights and naps is important. Create a predictable, daily routine. The idea behind a routine is for it to be regular, not rigid. How well your baby sleeps at night is heavily influenced by her daytime flow. Allow and encourage regular naps. Not only are naps critical for learning and development, but they also help in keeping your baby refreshed to be able to sleep more productively at night. It seems counter-intuitive, but babies need to sleep during the day to be able to sleep at night. Yes, you may have to sacrifice some play dates or outings while you’re working on a sleep schedule for your baby; but once healthy sleep habits are established, veering off course every now and then won’t result in sleep disaster. Other factors to consider are nutrition (when and what your baby is eating), having a calm and soothing bedtime routine, and her independent sleep abilities. Each child and family dynamic is unique so choose an approach that fits your lifestyle and parenting philosophy. Otherwise, staying consistent will prove even more difficult. Make sure your baby’s sleep environment is sleep friendly. Exposing your baby to light during the day can help with organizing her biological rhythms and signaling to her awake time. However, the sleep environment should be darkened, even during naps. Check the room temperature to make sure it’s comfortable, and dress your baby accordingly. Consider adding white noise to help block out outside sounds like a barking dog or noisy cars. Finally, check the humidity. The key to sleep success is finding what works best for you and your family, and then being consistent. What works for you now may evolve over time, and that’s to be expected. It’s a growing process for you and your baby. Before making any sleep modifications, be sure to check in with your pediatrician to rule out any possible medical issues or illness. Dominique Brooks is a certified maternity and child sleep consultant.
QUESTION: I know that co-sleeping with an infant is a hotly contested issue. But for those parents who choose to co-sleep with their baby, what steps should they take in order to set up the safest possible sleep environment? ANSWER: Making the best choice in sleeping arrangements for your baby and your family can be stressful. Balancing feeding, sleeping, bonding and safety are important to every family. The American Academy of Pediatrics encourages families to room share, placing your baby to sleep in his or her own crib, bassinet, play yard or other safe sleep space in the same room as you, even right next to your bed. Bed sharing is discouraged because of an increased risk of a baby suffocating under blankets and pillows or someone unintentionally rolling on top of the baby. If your family decides to bed share, medical providers have some tips. The most important is that all caregivers in the bed with the baby must not be under the influence of alcohol, marijuana or other drugs, including prescription medicines that may make you sleepy, such as those for pain or anxiety. It is not recommended for infants exposed to tobacco smoke in utero or after birth to share a sleep space since they are more likely to die unexpectedly during sleep. Babies should always be placed on their backs when they sleep. They should never sleep on a couch, recliner, water bed or similar soft surfaces. If sharing a bed with others, there should not be any pillows or blankets, as these can potentially cover the baby’s nose or mouth. Babies should not be placed between two adults or be positioned so they could become wedged between a mattress and a wall or bed frame. Commercial products such as pulse oximeters or positioners have not been shown to prevent infant death and they may even increase the risk. We encourage families to follow the ABCDs of safe sleep for infants: A: Alone – not sharing a bed or sleep space with anyone else B: Back – back to sleep for every sleep C: Crib – the crib or bassinet should be free of pillows, stuffed animals, bedding and bumpers D: Danger – caregiver intoxication greatly increases the risk of tragedy Everyone wants the best for their babies, and part of that is being aware of the safest options for your family’s sleeping arrangements, so that you can enjoy this very special time. Sabra Anckner, RN, BSN, is a Perinatal Nurse Consultant with the State of Alaska Department of Public Health, Section of Women’s, Children’s and Family Health.
QUESTION: My breast-fed baby is often gassy and fussy. Is this caused by something in my diet? Are there foods I should avoid while breastfeeding? ANSWER: The thought that something in the maternal diet is contributing to a baby being gassy and fussy is common, though the foods in a mom’s diet are not likely the culprit. True allergies to proteins in maternal breast milk do occur but are rare and often come with additional symptoms of vomiting, diarrhea, rash or skin irritation and/or bloody stools. Women all over the world have varying diets and breastfeed their babies. I encourage mothers to eat the foods that are normally in their diet. There are many other factors to first consider as the cause for increased gas in a baby other than a breastfeeding mom’s diet. A visit with a lactation specialist can identify or rule out other possible contributors to a baby’s gassiness including ineffective latch and force of milk flow, for instance. Additionally, babies swallow air during the acts of feeding and crying and these normal behaviors can also be contributing factors to increased gas, discomfort and subsequent further crying which can then exacerbate the problem. A feeding observation to assess baby’s latch, behavior and positioning during feeding could be valuable in identifying factors that may contribute to baby’s increased gas. It can also be helpful to learn positioning, infant massage techniques and comfort measures to help baby relieve gas and improve their overall comfort. Remember, humans are mammals and are biologically designed to breastfeed. If you are concerned about your baby’s increased gas or fussiness, please discuss it with baby’s provider in collaboration with a lactation consultant. Heather Anderson is an International Board-Certified Lactation Consultant.
The Early Years (toddlers & preschoolers)
QUESTION: I’m going back to work and want to find the best child care facility I can for my 2-year-old. What should I be looking for when I’m researching facilities? ANSWER: Choosing high-quality early childhood education can be difficult, and is often an emotional decision to make for your family. When looking for child care, many families begin by assessing their schedule, location, budget and the specific needs of their child. With those factors in mind, it’s important to visit and interview potential child care programs to find the best environment for your child. During those visits, here are some important questions to ask: •Is the program licensed in Alaska? Licensed programs meet state standards and regulations, and have History Compliance Reports available to the public. •What type of training or education does the early educator have to promote a safe and nurturing connection with my child? •Does the program offer a playful learning environment with age appropriate toys, books and curriculum? •Does the program offer nutritious food options and time outdoors? •Is the program enrolled in Learn & Grow, Alaska’s Quality Recognition & Improvement System? (Learn more here: threadalaska.org/learn-and-grow-home) You may also consider the different types of programs available in Alaska. Child Care Center programs are facility-style environments with children separated by age groups, and with multiple early educators on-site. Family In-Home Child Care programs are in a licensed and monitored private residence with a small multi-age group of children, and with one or two early educators to support them. Also, child care can be costly for some families. There are resources available to help make it more affordable for eligible families. The State of Alaska offers an income schedule and calculator, and information about available support to help with your planning. CHILD CARE RESOURCES Tools for Finding Quality Care • thread: threadalaska.org/thread/families/choosing-quality-care History Compliance Reports • Municipality of Anchorage Child Care Licensing: 907-343-4758, hhs.muni.org/cac • Outside of Anchorage, contact Child Care Program Office: 888-268-4632, ccpo@alaska.gov Child Care Assistance • Child Care Assistance: dhss.alaska.gov/dpa/pages/ccare • Cook Inlet Tribal Council Subsidy: citci.org • Military Affiliation Subsidy: childcareaware.org/fee-assistancerespite/military-families Tamora Harding-Childs, M.Ed, is the Early Childhood Development Specialist at thread. Visit threadalaska.org.
QUESTION: My toddler is a runner. As soon as we arrive anywhere, she takes off running. If I chase her, she looks back at me laughing and runs faster. How do I deal calmly with this while keeping her out of danger? ANSWER: This is a great question many parents ask, and there are several things she might be trying to tell you. Here are a few things to try next time: I wonder if they are looking for you to come play with them. Young kids crave relationships, the looking back at you and laughing sounds like they want to play. Frontloading play time with your child makes it much easier when it’s time to discipline. You can make a game of it by catching your child and say “Oh, we don’t run here, I’m going to catch you and bring you back” and playfully bring them back to the area you want them to run in. Redirect them. Try playing in a different area or bring a toy that can be used at the playground-a spoon to dig with, a cup for scooping, a ball or Frisbee to throw and roll, bubbles, a container for catching bugs, or turn the game around and say, “you catch me!” and turn to run the other way, bringing the child with you. Ignore the unwanted behavior. Move yourself to a different area while saying “I’m not going to chase you, I’m going to go play over here, come play this with me!” Keep an eye on them to ensure safety and intervene if they are headed towards something unsafe. When they come back to play with you, praise the behavior and begin playing together. Set expectations ahead of time. It’s very normal for toddlers to exert their independence and constantly test limits. Setting expectations might take some thinking on your feet as to what area/s you are comfortable with having your child play in. For instance, “When we get to the playground you may run around between the slide and swings. If you run away, then you hold my hand (or ride in the stroller, etc).” Highly praise the behavior you want to see over and over. When they run away, kindly but firmly follow through: “Uh-oh you ran away, you need to hold my hand” (you may need to pick them up to help them be safe). When they have calmed down, let them go explore and play again, and praise the behavior. Rachel Boudreau, LMSW, works for Help Me Grow Alaska and is a mental health therapist.
QUESTION: Ah, the dreaded public tantrum – we’ve all been there, right? It’s hard to ignore a toddler having a meltdown in the supermarket or restaurant, so what is the best way to handle these moments outside of the home? ANSWER: Oh how embarrassing and anxiety provoking those public meltdowns are! We think all eyes are upon us, criticizing our child’s BIG upset and judging how we handle it – and often that means how we are going to STOP it. Toddlers developmentally are learning to be increasingly in charge of themselves. This includes how to express and manage their feelings. Tough to do when you’re 2! It takes time and a calm, connected parent willing to learn right alongside them. How we decide to respond to our toddler lost in their big feelings determines what is learned – both in the moment and for the next time around. The goal is to be the positive, trusted influence they need to grow a little bit more in healthy and productive ways. The how? It begins with a PAUSE. Take a few deep breaths, maybe close your eyes briefly. Use encouraging self-talk to remind yourself this is an opportunity to let your toddler know they can count on you to keep it together even as they totally lose it. What a way for them to feel safe in the midst of those BIG feelings! Trust your understanding of your child as you decide if they need you next to them or picked up and taken to a quieter place. Then respond from this calmer place a PAUSE can bring – even if you are “acting-as-if”! It is okay to leave a grocery cart in the store and head out to the car to get a change of scenery and feel better with fewer eyes upon you. It is okay to stay next to your little one with your hand on them, talking softly or not at all – what a way to communicate your confidence in their ability to work through their upset. It is okay to let them finish their cry as you finish (perhaps quickly!) what you are in the middle of. PAUSE. Calm yourself, first. Respect those BIG feelings by giving your child the safe space to express them. Discover what works best for them to finally settle. Know that as you work at keeping yourself calm you are helping your child do the same. And then remember, go take care of YOU and your feelings. Alice Hanscam is an author and PCI Certified Parent Coach.
QUESTION: Now that our child is learning to read, what are some ways we can help her get excited about reading and encourage her to appreciate books? Any tips for nurturing a love of reading that can last a lifetime? ANSWER: At this important milestone, I suggest selecting books that have simple, repetitive words, yet still grab the reader. Typically these easy reader, or early reader, books have illustrations on every page and are character driven. Look for books that contain words your child is learning, so that the child may be able to read the entire book. Some easy reader publishers indicate the level of reading on the spine and cover of the books. However, be aware that publishers may use different ranges when indicating their reading level, and parents can assist by looking over the book to make sure it is appropriate to their child’s ability. Parents can also help their child take ownership of his or her reading by preselecting several books and allowing the child to pick out a couple of their favorites to read. As your child grows, it is important to allow them to select books that they are interested in, especially when motivating reluctant readers. Of course, a fun trip to your local library is always nice; spend time there, enjoy reading a book together and explore the library’s reading programs. One of the healthiest hobbies my family began when my children were learning to read was to establish a time in the evenings where we all spent 20 to 30 minutes reading before bed. Children notice when parents spend time reading and see this activity as customary. The child can read silently to themselves, read out loud to their caregiver or sibling, or you could read a book to your child. This is a wonderful intimate time to cuddle up with your child and explore the wonderful world of books together. James Adcox serves as a Library Assistant and Youth Services Coordinator for the Kenai Community Library. James leads weekly story times, implements summer reading programs and develops children’s programming for the library. Visit kenailibrary.org.
QUESTION: It’s happened. My 3-year-old has decided he will eat only a few foods: bread and cheese, chips, fruit snacks and apples. We’re concerned he’s missing out on some important nutrients. We’ve tried to convince (and yes, bribe) the little guy, but he’s not giving in. So, what should we be doing during this very frustrating food rut? ANSWER: Remember the saying, “You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink”? The same is true for your preschooler. He needs to show you that he, and only he, is in charge of what he eats. Just remember, your job is to provide nutritious foods, his job is to decide to eat it. The more we bribe, beg and negotiate, the more he is going to push. Instead, offer the food and make sure you state (and believe… and follow through) that what is being offered for the meal is it. I’m a mother, and when my oldest hit this stage, I found it really, really hard to not want to cater to his menu changes, naturally being worried that he simply wasn’t getting the right nutrients. So, to make it work for both of us, I had something nutritious on his plate each night that I KNEW he wouldn’t turn down, like yogurt, a cheese stick or some fruit. Sure enough, he’d gobble that down and then insist that he wanted something else besides what was left. Knowing that he had at least some food in his belly, I felt comfortable stating that what was there was what he got and reiterated that he got to choose if he wanted to eat it. Sometimes, just outlining that he is in control of that decision is enough for him to suddenly dive in and eat it. Sometimes he chooses to be done, and when that happens, I just remind him that there won’t be a snack later. Amazingly, this works! All children go through food rut stages. Your ability to stay the parent and weather this storm like any other phase in development will help him feel more in control of what he gets to eat. Then, as soon as it started, it’ll be over, and he’ll go back to increasing his food repertoire. Until then, make sure the choices you offer are nutritious, remind both yourself and your child that you choose what food to offer, he chooses what food to eat and you’ll both quickly be on to the next exciting phase. Emily Thompson is the Parents As Teachers Manager for the Association for the Education of Young Children, Southeast Alaska.
QUESTION: We’d like to get our 4-year-old involved in gardening this summer so she can learn more about how plants grow and where food comes from. What are some pint-sized projects that would be fun and easy for her to tackle in the garden? ANSWER: Make the garden a place of joy. Planting is fun but before even heading out to the garden, germinate seeds indoors. Bean seeds are big and easy to handle. They are especially spectacular when they germinate. Put the seeds on a moistened paper towel sheet. Roll them up and place in a plastic bag that you keep on the kitchen counter. Five to seven days later, I guarantee you will hear a huge exclamation of surprise when you unroll the paper towel to see if the seeds have sprouted. Kids love dirt and rocks. Make sure to involve him or her in preparing the garden soil. Get child-sized gloves and tools, and let your budding gardener get dirty. A bucket becomes an indispensable tool. It can be used for picking rocks, moving soil or adding compost. Make sure it’s the right size for your child to handle. Lay out garden pathways and plant in beds so that your youngster doesn’t have to worry about where to walk. Beds can be raised by raking soil from path areas. When the two of you plant, you make the holes for seeds to control spacing and let your child drop in the seed. Switch jobs when planting in furrows. You sow the seed and let your son or daughter pat soil over the top. Your child will learn to garden by being in the garden with you. No good plant, bad plant lessons at this age. Weeding and thinning are out. Visit the garden regularly, especially when not planning to do any work. See if there are any butterflies or other pollinators present. Check on how tall the peas have gotten. Exploring for vegetables that are ready to pick will teach your child where food comes from. When you’re a 4-year-old, digging for potatoes is like digging for gold. The best part? Children who grow their own veggies are more likely to eat them – a great way to sow the seeds of healthy eating. Horticulturist Julie Riley served with the University of Alaska Fairbanks Cooperative Extension Service for over 30 years. Children have helped her to experience the garden from a fresh perspective.
QUESTION: We’ve all witnessed a toddler screaming in a restaurant or acting out while food is on the table. Now that our daughter is entering toddlerhood, what are some ways to not only prevent this bad behavior at dinnertime, but also teach her to have good table manners? ANSWER: Dining out with young children can be quite challenging, but it can also be fun! Come prepared with activities and options for your toddler. Toddlers are entering an age in which independence is realized and deeply desired; offering a toddler choices is a fantastic way to engage their interest while instilling a sense of self. Prepare easily manageable table activities ahead of time, and organize them in large Ziploc bags that slip easily into your diaper bag. Activities such as laminated sheets of paper with dry erase markers, lacing sheets with yarn, counting and sorting activities and books are just a few suggestions. We like to call these “busy bags”! It is important to keep your child occupied at the table as you wait for your food to arrive; boredom results in acting out. Meal time is an opportunity for fellowship. When possible, enjoy meals served family style, so that the child is able to choose what is put on their plate and how much. A child’s interest in a meal grows tremendously when they are involved in the process. While serving or enjoying your meal, keep your child focused and engaged by talking with them about the food you are eating, where it came from and how it was prepared. Lead by example and demonstrate the table manners and positive behavior you expect from your child during social meal times. Remember to say please and thank your wait staff throughout the dining experience, encourage your child to do the same and speak with your voice at the same volume you expect them to speak at. Go prepared and public dining experiences with your child will be fun, exciting and educational! Karlene Harris works in early childhood education and holds a National Administrators Credential from the National Institute of Child Care Management.
The Middle Years (ages 5-9)
QUESTION: This is my son’s first year to go to an overnight summer camp and I’m worried he’ll be homesick. Any advice? ANSWER: Sometimes the question “Is he ready for camp?” actually means “Are you ready to send him to camp?” It’s a big step for both the child and the parent. Camp counselors are prepared to help kids settle in and experience a sense of belonging right from the start of camp. Playing silly icebreaker games with cabinmates helps campers connect with friends before joining larger all-camp activities. My advice is to ask questions and do some research before you choose any camp. Is the camp accredited by the American Camp Association? The ACA has high standards for program quality, procedures and the health and safety of all campers. Choose a camp with a low camper to staff ratio. Camp Fire Alaska has a ratio of 6 to 1 for our youngest overnight campers (age 6) to provide a greater level of support for campers who might be away from home for the first time. Find out how long the camp has been operating. A new camp seems novel, but they may not have worked out all the details that a seasoned camp has experienced. You can help your camper feel confident before they jump on the camp bus by taking them on a hike or sleeping in a tent in your backyard. If they’ve never slept away from home or away from you, enlist a friend to host a sleepover. Sharing photos of camp also helps to prepare your campers for what camp will be like. No matter what you might be feeling as a parent, showing your child that you are excited for their amazing adventure will help them to feel excited, too. Most kids I’ve worked with are never ready to go home at the end of camp! Going to camp is fun and a developmental rite of passage. Parents can do a lot to navigate potential homesickness and to ensure a positive experience for their child. Research shows that attending summer camp promotes independence, self-esteem, improved social skills and positive values. Kids grow to meet their next adventure and there’s no better place to test this than at a qualified summer camp. Will Day first went to overnight camp at age 8 and knows what it feels like to be homesick. Since overcoming his own fears, he has spent several years working at summer camps across the country. Will has a bachelor’s degree in outdoor studies and has served as manager of Camp Fire Alaska’s Camp K on Kenai Lake in Cooper Landing. Visit campfireak.org.
QUESTION: Our fourth grader has moved into a new school and is struggling to make friends. Any suggestions for ways we can help him? ANSWER: Moving to a new school and making new friends can be challenging for young children and can be extremely worrying for parents. You are right to give attention to your son’s friend-making in his new school, as building positive relationships is one of the most important ways children adapt to new experiences in a healthy way. However, it can be challenging for even the most outgoing child to easily build friendships when they arrive at a new school. Most children need help from grown-ups at school and home to make new friends when they move to a new school. Here are some simple ways that you can help your child. Talk with school staff about your concerns, especially the classroom teacher and a school social worker or counselor. Ask the classroom teacher if he or she can match your son in academic and recreational activities with other students who have the potential to become future friends. Perhaps there is a confident child in the classroom who would be eager to include your son in play during recess? While it may seem that you have very little role in helping your child develop friendships at school, you play the largest role in helping him build friend-making skills. Help your son build friendships by sponsoring play dates with a classmate. Play dates are a powerful way for children to deepen their friendships because play outside of school can be a richer and more comfortable way for children to play than they can find in the school recess environment. Be sure to invest in making friendships for yourself and model those positive experiences for your son. Talk with him about how rewarding it can be making new friends and share with him the skills you use in your friend-making such as listening, turn taking, and being kind. Investing in your child’s friend-making skills is an investment in his future happiness and health! Jeanine Brooks, MSW, PPSC, is the Early Support Program Coordinator and a School Social Worker at Baranof Elementary School in Sitka. Jeanine earned her Masters in Social Welfare from UC Berkeley and has been a school social worker for 20 years.
QUESTION: Our 8-year-old wants a pet and promises she will care for it. We know her intentions are good, but are afraid that after a few months and a busy schedule, she may lose interest in those tasks. Any tips for choosing the right pet for our child and is she old enough for a pet? ANSWER: These are excellent questions which require your serious consideration prior to bringing a dog home; pets are not disposable, property or possessions. They become our responsibility like the well-being of every family member, and they’ll need our dedication, care and commitment over their entire lifetime. Even if your child is going to be charged with the day-to-day care of your pet, parents need to factor into their decision the lifetime expenses associated with owning a dog to ensure the animal’s quality of life will not suffer. Dogs require food, treats, toys, accessories (i.e. leash, collar, boots, coat). There are vet bills, emergency vet bills, illnesses, training expenses, pet sitter fees, senior pet care expenses and the list goes on. If finances and a lifetime commitment are non-issue for the parents, then you can move forward. Age is relative; two 8-year-old children can have two significantly different levels of commitment and responsibility. If you’re uncertain that your child “can go the distance,” make a deal and test her resolve by having her contact a local veterinarian’s office to see if they have any odd jobs she can volunteer for. The education she could obtain there would be priceless! She can also volunteer at a shelter or a rescue organization, or maybe there’s a dog in your neighborhood she can offer her free services to walk and feed. Let your friends and family know she is available to pet sit for them, and if she still wants a dog after caring for them for several months, you’ll know she is making an educated, informed decision and understands the responsibility. Be sure to give your daughter the “tools” she will need to properly care for the animals. When it comes to choosing the right pet, unfortunately all too often people select a dog based on its looks, when we should be matching an animal’s lifestyle to our own. The secret to living a long and happy life together begins with thoughtful and serious assessment of your needs. Consider your family’s schedule and exercise level, and then target a breed that complements your situation. There are seven different dog breed groupings; you can find an excellent breakdown by grouping, along with the breeds within each group, on the American Kennel Club website: akc.org/expert-advice/lifestyle/what-are- breed-groups. Terry McCoy is a certified animal behaviorist and trainer. She’s the owner of Pawsitively Loved located in the valley providing care, boarding, training and healing therapy to domestic and farm animals alike. Visit pawsitivelyloved.com.
QUESTION: My 8-year-old keeps a very messy room, which is the cause of many arguments between the two of us. How can I get a better result, as my current nagging is obviously not working! ANSWER: Motivation is the key. When we nag we are focusing on an outward force creating an inward change. Children will learn to wait until we are serious or threaten punishment before they are motivated to clean their room. Internal motivation focuses on a child’s personal reason for keeping a clean room and can develop into a lifelong habit. Eight years old is a great age for teaching a child how to keep a room clean. At this age, children are often more compliant and willing to please you. They are also capable of larger responsibility and can manage some chores independently. To start, break up cleaning the bedroom into multiple manageable tasks and create a chart (e.g. make your bed, put your toys in the yellow bin, place dirty clothes in hamper, etc.). Then have your child create a list of fun, free activities that she would enjoy doing at the end of the week. Sit down with your child and come up with an achievable goal for how often her room should be cleaned in order for her to earn the fun activity. More responsibility to earn an activity can be added later. Provide an opportunity for your child to participate in deciding how she will organize her room. Help your child at first by assisting her with the list of chores and talking through each step she must complete. Be sure to let her know how proud you are of her effort at completing each task. Some children may struggle with tasks that require them to remember multiple steps. If a child continues to struggle keeping his room clean, sit down and talk with him about what might help motivate him to keep his room clean. Some children may respond better with consequences and may choose to lose time on their video games or other activity if they fail to keep their room clean. Children may offer solutions that are unrealistic. Help coach your child to develop realistic goals and motivators. Even when a consequence is used, always focus on the positive outcome for keeping a clean room. Children who create this as a lifelong pattern are those more likely to see the positive of having a clean room. Noah Shields is a Licensed Professional Counselor, Licensed Marital and Family Therapist, and Registered Play Therapist. Noah has a private practice counseling office in Soldotna where he works with children, adults, families and couples. Visit ffrcalaska.org.
QUESTION: I know that working with numbers and math concepts can be fun and challenging for some children, but it is a very different experience for my son. He gets stressed out and feels frustrated about not getting the answers right and is developing a dislike for the subject. Any tips for ways we can help him handle this math anxiety? ANSWER: Above all, don’t wait until he is so frustrated that he hates math. It’s really hard to convince anybody to work hard at something they hate. I would take a look at the concepts your son is working on and determine why he is getting the answers incorrect. If he is getting answers incorrect due to calculation errors, it would be helpful for him to practice his math facts, or basic math operations. Using a calculator is a temporary fix for this, but as concepts get more difficult, it would be best if he didn’t depend on the calculator. When students depend on the calculator, they automatically assume the calculator is right and often forget to check if an answer is reasonable. The calculator only calculates what is input, so if that is incorrect, the calculator will give the wrong answer. There are a lot of games you can use to practice math facts. Have fun! If the process of solving the problem seems to be the source of error, then breaking the process down into definite steps may help him. Make a simple checklist for him to follow as he is going through the process. Oftentimes, students skip a step in the process, and that leads to incorrect answers. Depending on the concept, the checklist should only be a few steps. You’ll want to make sure he understands all the steps of the checklist too. (For example, if one of the steps is to get a common denominator, you’ll want to make sure he knows how to do that!) Through this whole process, it is important for him to experience success. When you see him getting frustrated, take a break for a few minutes then refocus by going over math facts or reviewing the checklist. Let him know that it’s natural to struggle. Everything seems easy when we already know how to do it. Amy Brown of Fairbanks taught secondary mathematics for many years and was previously named the BP Teacher of the Year.
QUESTION: Our 8-year-old thinks money grows on trees (or magically pops out of ATMs). What are some age-appropriate ways we can teach him to gain a better understanding about money, and how to save and spend it wisely? ANSWER: While there is no magical money tree or ATM dispensing free cash, there are simple lessons you can teach your kids to help them develop lifelong smart spending and saving habits. Here are four things you can talk with them about now. 1. Help your child establish a savings account. The sooner your child makes saving a habit, the better, and the more likely it will become a habit that lasts into adulthood. Consider giving them an incentive, such as contributing $1 for every $10 they save each month. 2. Help your child create a budget. Budgeting is one of the key components for financial success. Whether you’re helping your 8-year-old create a budget for their $10 allowance or a 17-year-old create a budget for the weekly paycheck from their part-time job, if your child understands – and lives by – the concept of budgeting, it’s a significant step in preparing him or her for the larger budgets they will need to manage later in life. Many experts think you should give an allowance regularly, so the experience of managing money isn’t lost if chores are not completed. While this is a personal decision, some parents consider offering additional money for tasks beyond everyday responsibilities, so kids can learn the value of money by earning it. If you decide to use allowances as a payment for chores, be clear about what’s expected and keep your agreement. Rather than spending their allowance however they like, you may want to introduce three jars: one for spending, one for savings, and one for donating. Talk with them about why each is important. 3. Help your child understand the difference between needs and wants. It’s ok for your child to spend money on those things that are “wants.” The idea is for them to be aware of the balance between the two, so that spending on the “wants” isn’t excessive. 4. Help your child set financial goals. Whether it’s having enough money to buy a new gadget, the latest pair of sneakers or even a car, helping your child establish a plan to reach that goal – and celebrating the moment they achieve it – can be one of the greatest financial teachers. Look for books on the topic of kids and money, or talk with your local banker for suggestions. Whichever methods you choose, start now. Your child’s financial future is at stake. Getting them on the road to financial success now can increase the likelihood that the ride has as few bumps as possible. Anthony Snider previously worked as Wells Fargo’s Anchorage district manager.
QUESTION: Our 7-year-old can be sarcastic and sassy. I will ask him, “Are you ready to clean your room?” and, as usual, he barely looks up from what he’s doing. After I ask him several times, he says mockingly, “I don’t know. Am I?” Not sure where he learned the snarky comeback (playground, TV show?) but how should we address this bratty behavior and help him move toward a more respectful attitude? ANSWER: One idea how to handle your child’s “bratty behavior” is to give him some positive control over his own life by offering him choices: “Would you like to clean your room now or would you rather clean it after lunch?” The child might respond, “I don’t have to do it at all! You can’t tell me what to do!” The parent may say, “That is not one of the choices, so I will choose for you. You may clean your room now, and as soon as you are done, you may play more on your games.” At this time, the parent walks over and unplugs the game console and walks out of the room. A determined youngster might fight this by saying, “You can’t do that; you killed me!” The parent’s calm reply is simply, “I already did do that and you can play your game as soon as your room is clean.” Providing choices is based on the fact that most people cannot make decisions about themselves and fight with others at the same time. Effective parents offer choices only when they are willing to ensure that their children will live with the consequences of their choices. These parents know that children need to learn from their mistakes. Mistakes are often better teachers than parents who lecture or beg or fight with their kids. Allow kids to learn from their mistakes. Dr. Kristi Hughes has specialized in working with parents and children since 1991. At her practice in the Valley, Refocus Counseling, she is a Love and Logic facilitator, a Couples Counselor and works with individuals experiencing trauma. refocus.live.
The Tween & Teen Years
QUESTION: This summer my tween will be too old for daycare and too young for a job. What are some ways to keep her busy during the summer? ANSWER: Caught in between being a little kid and a teenager, the tween-age years are period of rapid growth of independence, socialization and physical transformation that can be exciting and tumultuous. Now more than ever before, your child needs your support to ensure she grows up safe and healthy. Unfortunately for many tweens, summer can be a period when unhealthy habits and antisocial behaviors can develop. Here are four low-to-no-cost ways to keep your tween engaged in a fun, healthy and safe summer. Enroll your tween in a summer program: There are lots of summer programs that specialize in engaging tweens in adventures, learning and physical activity throughout Alaska. Summer learning programs help fight summer learning loss by engaging tweens in hands-on and minds-on activities and provide tweens with opportunities to be physically active, build skills, socialize, get involved in community service and grow academically. Check out your local newspaper, park and recreation center or public library for a listing of activities. (Also, check out our Guide with a list of great summer camps & programs.) • Pro-parenting tip: Give your tween choice in what summer activities they enroll in, giving them the chance for autonomy. Remember, the choice is not whether or not they will participate in activities, but instead what they would like to participate in. Ensure your tween keeps reading: Tweens are in a dramatic transformational stage when it comes to reading. It’s important to help keep them reading all summer long to prevent summer learning loss. Enroll your tween, and the whole family, in your local library’s Big Summer Read program. It’s free, easy to do and allows your teen to choose their own reading. • Pro-parenting tip: Set up family reading times. They can happen at home, a library, at your neighborhood park, during fish camp or even become part of your family’s hiking or biking trips. Limit your tween’s screen time: Excessive screen time can lead to increased anxiety and depression. Explain to them why it’s important to stay engaged and not just hang out online all day. • Pro-parenting tips: Limit your screen time. Tweens are in a very impressionable phase; what they see is what they do. Most smart phones and tablets now can track your screen time each week. Create a competition to see who can have the lowest score in your family. Keep your tweens moving: Enroll your tween in sports or recreation leagues, such as soccer, baseball, dance or kickball. Encourage them to get outside to walk, bike, swim or play with her friends each day. Keeping tweens physically active helps reduce their risk of developing a sedentary life style which can lead to long-term chronic health conditions, such as obesity or diabetes. • Pro-parenting tip: Get the whole family moving. The summer is great time to bond as a family through physical activities, whether it’s fishing, hiking, gardening or dancing. Thomas Azzarella is the Director of the Alaska Afterschool Network, a program of the Alaska Children’s Trust. He has over 20 years of summer camp experience. He’s passionate about getting kids, especially tweens, outdoors and exploring our beautiful state.
QUESTION: I want to motivate my 14-year-old to start exercising, but I’m having a hard time. He claims to hate working out. How can I get him away from the screens and, even more than that, enjoy being physically active? ANSWER: Great question! Very relevant in this day and age where video games and other tech gadgets are increasingly luring kids off their feet and onto the couch. Your child’s health is too important not to establish the expectation that he be physically active daily. In my opinion, this standard should not be up for negotiation. Of course parents of a teenager know the challenge of balancing firm limit setting with getting buy-in. A few ideas to consider: 1. Educate him on the benefits of being physically active and on the potential negative impacts of not being active. At his age, he should be armed with this information. And he will be more likely to make good health decisions when given some rationale. 2. Establish limits on screen time and use screen time as a reward for being physically active. This might not make you popular in the moment, but teenagers should be instilled with the idea that physical activity is a priority, just as are other things like completing homework. 3. Exercise should be fun. If your teen does not self-identify as a team-sport kind of person, then don’t force him into joining the soccer team or some environment that might compound negative feelings toward physical activity. Give him as much latitude as possible to do something that interests him. An adolescent is far more likely to build lasting habits around something he enjoys. 4. Participate with him. Exercise is important to all of us. What if the family keeps activity logs and if everyone reaches a goal each month, the whole family celebrates with something they all enjoy? Mentorship is a powerful form of support and motivation. Harlow Robinson is the executive director of Healthy Futures. He also worked for many years in a program for children and adolescents with emotional and behavioral problems. He lives in Anchorage with his wife and two sons, who he is constantly trying to motivate to put down their video games and get outside! For more information, visit healthyfuturesak.org.
QUESTION: It can be hard for pre-teens and teens to know when a dating relationship is unhealthy. What are the main signs of relationship abuse – and how can parents spot it long before the victim can? What are the best things parents can do to prevent relationship violence in their teen? ANSWER: It can be hard to identify dating abuse for both parents and teens. Pre-teens and teens are just learning about how to date and engage in romantic relationships. So, jealousy, drama and emotional highs and lows are normal aspects of these relationships. The challenge is to differentiate between these typical teen relationship characteristics and abuse. There are some common warning signs or indicators that your pre-teen or teen may be in an unhealthy relationship. Since dating their partner, has your child drastically changed his or her style/appearance, friend group or personality? Has he, or she, suddenly stopped participating in activities they used to enjoy? Has your teen become more isolated from close friends and family while spending increasing amounts of time with their partner? The more times you answered ‘yes’ to these questions, the more the situation asks for a closer look at the health of the relationship. For more information about how to handle these discussions, there are resources like loveisrespect.org and thatsnotcool.com that provide tips for parents and caregivers. In order to prevent relationship violence, the best thing a parent can do is to develop a relationship with the young people in their child’s life. This can be a challenge, especially as teens are at a developmental stage that includes pushing away from family and wanting to spend more time with friends. So, the opportunity to build relationship comes in small moments like engaging in conversation on the ride home from school, chatting during a family outing or talking about the health of relationships portrayed in a favorite TV show or movie. Think back to your life as a teenager and reflect on how your parent could have made it easier for you to talk to them about relationship issues as a starting point. You can also order a set of free Talk Now Talk Often cards for discussion ideas (tntoak.org). Summer Chitwood, M.Ed., is the Prevention and Education Coordinator at Abused Women’s Aid in Crisis (AWAIC) in Anchorage. Visit awaic.org.
QUESTION: I’d love for our teen to get involved in some volunteer activities this summer. Any tips for encouraging and helping him find the right fit? ANSWER: Summer or any time of the year is a great time to get involved in the community! I appreciate when a parent calls and inquires, but I really enjoy speaking directly to the youth about potential volunteer opportunities. First question I always ask is, “Where in the community would you like to make an impact?” Working with animals, the environment or seniors? There are so many different places to volunteer that the list needs to be narrowed down in some way. I also ask them to think about where their talents lie. Are they a good cook? Maybe they could help at a soup kitchen. Are they a talented soccer player? They could help coach a team. Do they enjoy meeting and talking with new people? Many organizations need help with advocacy and outreach. Working on something they already enjoy doing will make volunteering that much more fun. These answers then help me to suggest agencies that I know fit that criteria. The next question I have is about scheduling and how they want to fit it into their busy schedules – between jobs, their friends, etc. That can be a tough question to answer because it shows them how limited their time might be, but it also helps match them with an agency that fits those time realities. It is so important that the youth and agency be a good match, as that helps set the stage for success for their volunteer life. Transportation also can be a barrier and if it is, then look for something to do that is close to home. Another way to get your teen involved in volunteering is to make it a family affair. Volunteering as a family is a great way to create some lasting memories and make a difference together. Sue Brogan, CVA, is the Chief Operating Officer at United Way of Anchorage. Visit liveunitedanc.org.
QUESTION: My two teenage kids are masters at all things electronics, but sometimes it’s nice to be able to switch off the devices and get connected as a family – like having an old-fashioned family game night. Any suggestions for some board games that would keep teens entertained – and maybe even teach them some important skills? ANSWER: As important as staying in touch with technology is, it is equally important – if not more so – to take the time to unplug and connect with family. And this is just as true for parents as it is for our children. Family game nights are an excellent opportunity to turn off the screens and tune in to each other. With games that encourage interaction, laughter, and a mix of critical thinking and just plain fun, you and your kids will be looking forward to the next opportunity to play. Our staff has a number of favorites they like to play. The Steve Jackson Munchkin Game (and its sequels) is a satirical card game that can reduce any role-playing group to hysteria. (And while they are laughing, you can steal their stuff!) It works best with 4-6 players that are ages 10 and up. Shaboom by Haywire was introduced last year to great hilarity. In this game, you face off against your opponents in a series of challenges to test your speed and agility. Flip it, stack it, spell it, roll it – be first to complete the card challenge and SHABOOM! You win! Role-playing and strategy games like Catan (formerly Settlers of Catan) and Ticket to Ride take longer to play, typically one to two hours, and are very popular with teens and adults. Catan involves settling the remote isle of Catan using combinations of resources – grain, wool, ore and more – that you acquire through trades or luck to build your cities. Ticket to Ride will take you on a cross-country train adventure to see who can travel to the most cities in seven days. Claim as many railway routes connecting cities as you can while balancing the greed of adding more cards against the fear of losing a route to a competitor. For a plain, simple, ultra-fast and very silly game, Happy Salmon is our hands-down favorite. It’s loud, raucous, active, and comes in a cute fish pouch. It’s salmon. This is Alaska. What else need we say? Janet Gregory is the owner of Over The Rainbow Toys. Visit overtherainbowtoys.com.
QUESTION: When I ask my teenage kid why he’s so stressed out, he gives me a long list of offenders (homework, tests, friends, the way he looks, girlfriends, no free time, etc.). Any tips on how I can help my overwhelmed teen cope with stress? ANSWER: First, both of you take a deep breath and relax. What you are experiencing is a normal part of adolescence as well as being a parent of an adolescent. Everyone experiences stress at some level; we can either allow it to overwhelm us or motivate us. As adults, we have, hopefully, learned to use stress to focus us and reevaluate our priorities. Teens have many of the same feelings as adults but don’t understand the connection between these emotions, physical symptoms and underlying stress that causes them. On a positive note, if your teen is talking to you about these stressors, that is a good thing; it means you have done your job and they are beginning to make decisions for themselves. The most important thing you can do at this age is actively LISTEN. Don’t try to diagnosis or even fix at first. The best way to let them know you care is to restate or rephrase what they just said in your own words. Then ask them is that what they meant. The stressors of today’s youth are magnified with the technology age. They are instantly provided with information through numerous media and technological devices. It was unheard of just a few years ago for an elementary student to be using a cell phone, let alone a smart phone. Although as parents we do the best we can to manage our children’s access, you must admit they are more familiar with these devices than we are, at least most of us. Here are a few tips and resources: •Help your child list out on paper/journal those things they are worried about, and then help them to prioritize them. •Identify your child’s coping skills, such as reading, listening to music, exercising, etc. •Avoid negativity. Let them know that what they are experiencing is normal. It’s a good time to possibly share one of your stressful times as a teenager. Make it a humorous memory. •Set aside time for healthy eating, proper sleep, and, most of all, some form of exercise. •Learn to let some things go. As a parent, you have to give them permission to prioritize. •Help someone else by “Paying it Forward” through community service. There is no better way to help ourselves than by helping others. Finally, a couple of great websites to visit: American Academy of Pediatrics, aap.org; payitforwardday.com. And an excellent one-stop book resource for parents is “Building Resilience in Children and Teens,” by Kenneth R. Ginsburg, MD, FAAP. Dan Pinkerton, MS Ed, LPC, NCC, is a middle school counselor with the Anchorage School District, and also the owner of Pinkerton Counseling Service. He has worked with teenagers and families in multiple arenas – police officer, pastor, state trooper chaplain, school counselor, and private practice.
QUESTION: When my teenage daughter misbehaves, I can’t just put her in a time-out like I did when she was little. And if I yell “you’re grounded,” she just sits around stewing and probably isn’t learning the intended lesson. So what is the best approach to disciplining teens for bad behavior? ANSWER: As kids develop into teenagers, they also develop their own values that aren’t always identical to their parents. Typically, that’s where the conflict originates. So what you consider “bad behavior” may not be considered “bad” to them. As they get older it’s important to realize they harness an improved ability for rational thought and discussion. Instead of a “timeout,” request a “sit down” to talk. One trick is to allow them to talk first and explain what happened. To your amazement they may know exactly what they did wrong and also offer a reasonable resolution. If they already know, DON’T LECTURE THEM MORE, that doesn’t work. If the solution they offer sounds good to you, then go with it and say “let’s try that.” No punishment or grounding needed. There are behaviors, however, where you will tell them what the consequence is without discussion. For example, let’s say your child is caught vandalizing property. No need to yell at them and no need to lose your cool, but stay calm and talk with them respectfully. The consequence should have something directly related to the behavior, if possible, and allow them to try to make things right. In this situation, they might need to help clean up what they vandalized. This may be all the consequence that is needed to change their behavior. No grounding needed. If they refuse to do this, then grounding works by restricting all privileges such as cell phones or screen time on computers or other devices or going out with friends. The amount of time for these restrictions depends on the behavior, but typically it’s best to keep the restrictions to no more than one week. You have to give them hope of getting back on track. Having consequences that last too long can put a teenager in despair, which will actually work against the desired outcome of changing behavior. They may test your will, but you need to remind them that you are in charge and will follow through on what you say. If you don’t follow through, they will take advantage of this in the future. One more thing: It’s important to remember that “good kids” sometimes do “bad things.” It doesn’t mean that they are a bad person! Communicate that we all make mistakes; it’s what we do about our mistakes that matter. Eric Unruh is a licensed clinical social worker with experience working with children and families. He is the owner and clinical director of Peak Counseling, an outpatient mental health office in Eagle River. Visit peakcounseling.com.
